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The Chinese Toilet Roll
(With Thoughts of Ron Silliman)
j.r. pearson
1. I love naps.
2. They are the only experiences in which you can pretend to be on vacation and
sleep until your back hurts.
3. I like cake.
4. I really like cake!
5. A favorite tale of Winston Churchill talking to L.B.J.: in response to every question
of policy, L.B.J. retorted, "I wear a diaper, what the hell do u expect me to do about
it!"
6. Another famous but lesser-known political urban legend is about young
Alexander. Before going into battle with gathering rebels, he consulted the Oracle of
Delphi about how to defeat the infidels without raising a weapon.
7. The Oracle writ: chicken feathers are lucky.
8. The much-misunderstood result was that a helmet was made from white feathers
from a random chicken unlucky enough to find itself outside the temple at the time.
9. To this day Alexander is seen in every battle pictorial wearing his lucky hat.
10. It is said that he believed it protected his most potent weapon...his hair.
11. Southerners now believe that if you kill a chicken you must keep at least 1 white
feather in order to avoid 'dem chicky haunts'. Every evening when u get 'peckish,'
they arrive in flocks toting Uzi's and gun u down in your underoos.
12. This is where down comforters come from...alas, southerners are stupid.
13. I find it odd that coffins are lined with such gorgeous material and not a hint of a
sports team.
14. One of my favorite Political 'faux pas' occurred when Hillary Clinton uncovered
Bill's affair with Monica Lewinsky. She immediately ordered Monica's execution thru
the normal channels - her sisters. The mishap occurred when one of the sisters
asked, "so whud daya want me ta killa wid?" The response: "stab her to death with a
cigar."
15. Now Trojan makes a "sexy-slim" condom made especially for senators or
congressman or discreet businessmen who want that plausible deniability to any
'supposed' sexual act.
16. No longer can anyone use the excuse: I was looking for a lighter.
17. Because condoms can't be lit - trust me - there are only so many opportunities in
life to throw a flaming condom at the Pope without the dissatisfaction of it exploding
prematurely on the Popemobile.
18. One does not know true disappointment in the world marketplace until a
prophylactic-tov cocktail fails to burn.
19. Condoms, though, have a million + 1 uses: balloons at a wedding, for instance,
recoverable after the ceremony.
20. A tightly bound condom hanging from the rafters says: "We hope u have fun on
the honeymoon ...just don't make a mistake that you will pay for, for 18 years."
21. Also one may facetiously call them feminine chewing gum.
22. I once had a woman at a bar tell me she liked pickle juice.
23. Personally I can't eat anything that has a stork as its spokesperson.
24. The stork does not seem to me a good sign of fertility....no strong chin....dirty
feathers....always sitting alone on pylons....ripping fish guts apart with no manners...
25. The beak makes all the difference.
26. The smallest beak in the world is possessed by the Chinese Barely Peking Duck.
27. In London there is a game called Chinese Whispers: a story is given to a single
person who whispers it to the next person and so on until a hideous tale of revenge is
revealed by the final listener which has nothing to do with the original...perverted sex
usually enters in too. In the States we call this game Telephone...in universities the
game is called Pataphors.
28. In China the game is called Democracy.
29. In the States, "democracy" is defined as a choice between the lesser of 2 evils, or,
as my step-dad puts it, 'da Hillary of 2 evils'.
30. At election time it's easy to believe in the Messiah....personally I would rather not
vote and let God choose my leader.
31. I just wish he had a more accessible name than Jesus...
32. Behold! Bob, your Christ! Jimmy works equally well.
33. Bob & Jimmy were 2 childhood friends who always fought. Bob died after Jimmy
pushed him in front of the prop of a cigarette boat....."it was hard for me not to laugh
as Bob bobbed to death in the water.".
34. I accidentally announce to Bob's sister at the wake.
35. Jimmy replied, "It's ironic that we are having a 'wake' for him."
36. He was found hideously flayed the next morning.
37. The killer was never caught...but the Police say that a Prada stiletto heel was still
caught in his esophagus.
38. They're both up in Heaven now, pretending to be God to pick up chicks.
(c) 2007 by J.R. Pearson